HOW TO UNLOVE and It is not what you think it is

“Nature does not hurry yet everything is accomplished” – Lao Tzu


How do we un-love? When our heart is broken, when we feel pain, when we suffer…

Love is a powerful energy. It can make you miserable, it can motivate you. To some, it can be their downfall.

We were taught at a young age to be kind, generous and to love. Is it all that should be taught?

The reality is, life is not all flowers and butterflies. The other side of It can be harsh, dangerous, frigid. How do we teach our selves to un-love on cue when needed?

To put it in a better perspective, how do we prepare our children to become strong and withstand a life full of challenges ahead?
After all, life is all full of different situations and it is all up to how well we manage our emotions to achieve happiness, peace and success.

How do you self regulate to be joyful in a depressing situation? and how do you calm your mind in an anxious circumstance?

Un-loving is part of the binary that completes the energy. It is not hate nor anger or anything negative. It is similar to standing up after you have fallen down and just walked back again. It is about moving forward, keeping the lessons and leaving the emotions behind a.k.a WISDOM.

That to me is an analogy I would use to describe how to un-love.
To do this, you first need two undervalued currencies.

Attention and TIME

Yes, both are currencies. Where attention goes, energy flows and where money flows. Ever notice how companies are competing for our attention? Open your email, your social media, walk down the street. I am sure you know what I am talking about. You may not know it but in today’s world, we are the commodities. That explains why our attention is a currency.
On to the topic of un-loving, use this currency called attention simply by looking at your emotions as if it was another commodity in the street then followed through by allowing TIME to take its course.
We all need time to do things. It is the ultimate currency that will always be on our side. We are all given the Now to work on whatever we need to do.

Having these two currencies on our side, there are three things that worked for me (and with my son- fyi to moms out there).

  1. Let it BE. The first step to learning is to experience it.
    Meaning, experience life. Allow the emotion, do not deny it, embrace it, acknowledge it and describe it if you can. This works for kids too. When they are feeling upset and angry, instead of asking them to stop crying and deny them of the emotions, you can acknowledge and say that it is okay to feel sad or disappointed then followed by asking them to tell you what happened. This allows them to process and describe their emotions that can serve as a relief.
  2. We don’t really inculcate to our children the possibility of death, rather we emphasize their youthfulness by reminding them to be careful instead. When we have this mindset, it is easy to forget, it is easy to get carried away and feel immortal.
    So I also remind myself that anytime I can die and that none of these emotions will matter after. That is the reality of life, a reminder that time is running out for us everyday and that we should be seizing the moment as much as we can. Time is the most valuable currency of all however it is always taken for granted. We can see how much money we have left in the bank, but with time, we will never know how much more is left.

  3. Lastly, be patient. Anything great takes time, anything that needs to grow takes time and we need to acknowledge and accept that. We are passersby, travelers and there is no end goal but death. So, by now a skillset that we should be learning is to learn how to enjoy life, be patient no matter the situation.

It’s definitely a process that is not a walk in the park and I think there should be a balance in everything. We would not be able to understand pain if we have not ever felt relief, darkness and light, sunrise, sunset, of black or white, anger and joy. It is like a rollercoaster ride, we should sit back and enjoy the ride.

Read my article: How do you live your life to the fullest, be happy, appreciate what you have in a time of uncertainty? – According to an INFJ





How do you live your life to the fullest, be happy, appreciate what you have in a time of uncertainty? – According to an INFJ

I don’t know about you but I am all over the place. I am drained, overwhelmed and never been exhausted ever in my life.

Emotionally, physically and mentally, it definitely has been a challenging year for me.
But these are the times when we learn the most. This was when I did learn the most packed in a small amount of time.

I grew fast, faster than ever.

Learned to self regulate, learned to appreciate what is, learned to be calm, learned to conquer my fears.

Working from home, playing the teacher role, becoming a student, a playmate, a friend to my son, a confidant to myself, a motivator.. All these, I never fathomed was in me.

Our body is an attestation of a divine intelligence.
Our bodies adapt to change.
I never thought that I had so much patience in me. That I am this adaptable and strong and will powered.

What I have learned is when you are put in a situation where you have no choice but to act, you just act. You just go for it and take in what ever you can take in, do what ever you can do.

Accept what is and observe. You don’t need to like it, just see it and trust the process.

Sometimes we are in a situation where it feels stifling. Nothing that we can do much and feeling restrained.
But all we need to do is let it be and just let it go. Relax and imagine that we are just this tiny fragment in this vast universe.

This brings us in perspective as to who we are. That we are this fragile being that has no control over death.
So ironically, the way to live life is to think of death. That we only have a limited amount of time in us.
That, if you are having a hard time moving on, ask yourself, will it matter five years from now?

Will it matter if I am not around? We need to be reminded that we are replaceable, dispensable no matter what and that all we can leave are footprints of good memories. Of how well we spent our time as travelers.

How do you force your self to get up and act? There is no motivator for this except for you but I would say creating a system of habits is key than using will power. it will definitely be hard in the beginning as always it is, but give it about a week and surely you will feel the difference. JUST ACT.

In the end, difficulties are opportunities and strength does not come from easy. No one is exempt from pain, everyone will experience them in their lifetime and it is up to how we would manage that pain and bounce back afterwards.

YOUR SUPER POWER THAT YOU FORGOT

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Yesterday my son taught me to conquer my fear by rollerblading with him downhill from the playground. He has no problem just casually rolling down the downhill pavement holding his drink from the vending machine.

He was a natural and I was proud.

It has been five days since I took upon myself to conquer my fear and join my son into learning something new. After all, it would be a shame to teach my son to do this and that and show him even the proper posture if I myself does not know how to do it at all.
Looking back, I do not regret it and realized that if I have not done it, I would definitely have regretted it.
I am amazed on how fast my son learned just in a span of five days. So I wonder, why do kids learn so fast? how they do it? and a side note question, why do they seem so happy all the time?

And the answer is something we already know which is also simple and easy to apply.
They do not have any inhibitions. They do not care, they do not give a fuck. They are fearless, they have no issues falling down or making mistakes. They just believe they can. They know what they want and they go for it.
Kids make friends, they play, they do not judge, they run around.
They have no concept of time and money. They are in their default state of abundance. And for them the possibilities are endless.
My son would say, buy me this, open the aircon, order me a Chameleon, can you buy me a Tiger? I want to try this and that.
Of course you would at best always have to manage your time and finances so you really cannot say yes to everything they say (so use your rational mind for this), what we can learn from them is a daily reminder of our default state of abundance, of greatness, of our true potential, our super power and it is not latent! It is already in us!

But how can you prove there is abundance in my life when all I can experience is lack? It is your perspective, that is how you have associated meaning into your experiences and circumstances.

You do have abundance, you just focus on the lack aspect of your life. There is abundance in air, food, space, love, energy, care, wealth. Money is everywhere. Opportunities are everywhere. We all have the power to change and the power to choose and the good news is that we can immediately tap into it whenever we need to. The super power I am talking about is by tapping into your kid state. Your playfulness. We all have it. We just forgot about it because of how we were brought up, how society has conditioned us. The routine and the norm. Adults, are conditioned beings, a sum of experiences, logic and memories, so we do have a lot of inhibitions. We are scared, and after all that is our brain’s role which is to protect us from harm and to keep us safe.

So how can the the kid in us bring us the super power and perhaps bring abundance? Everything we have now, is an attestation of our beliefs and experiences. Our reality. Our standards. Relating this back to the newly found activity with my son, to be able to gain back your super power is to start by letting down your guard, just do it, take action and have fun! I projected an image that I can rollerblade hand and hand with son. I am proof of it and so can you! I know it may seem easier said than done but we need to remember that when we were young, every thing was exciting, and that is how our life should be! To be able to enjoy it joyously.
Everyday is an exciting quality abundant life that we should always achieve! Remember the child in you, your playfulness and so then your youthfulness and abundance will be a by product eventually.

DO THIS METHOD: How you can change your life just in one day.

Imagine, watching yourself being born.
On that very present moment, you will realize that as you inhaled your first breath and cried to imprint your existence, you were immediately gifted with TIME.

Just two days ago, I celebrated my birthday via a virtual set up.
It was a fuzz free, bring your own drink birthday celebration organized just a day in advance at the convenience of our laptops and video screens. At the last minute, my guests donned a presentable outfit in lieu of the usual ‘work from home’ lazy look because after all, it is wont to dress up something nice for birthdays.



On a previous article I wrote, How to overcome loneliness the counter intuitive way, I emphasized the importance of also ‘looking outside’ instead of just solely looking within.

A situation can either be good or bad, it depends on how you put meaning to it.

Just two days after the first day of the year 2020, the president of the United States ambushed and killed a high rank military official in Iran. A day after, bushfires quickly spread across Australia then a little over a week, Taal volcano erupted in the Philippines. After a few days, we came to realize that there is an even bigger catastrophe that will change our lives all together, forever.

As social beings, clearly there is nothing good about this situation but in hindsight it has become a breather.

Pollution abated, family ties coalesced and wild life flourished.

Just like how each flora and fauna plays an important role in the diversity of the life cycle, so as each person to a nation, to a country and to the world.

Everything is energy, every thing needs to move and be transferred. This concept is applicable to anything that you can imagine in our life.

Our bodies for example is meant to be on the move.
As we move, we burn energy.
Love needs to be shared to expand, it must be given and it must be received.
Money is meant to be spent to circulate. All of these to the point that I like to make is a cycle and is meant to be a give and take relationship.
And because we are in a cycle, all of us play a role.

Unfortunately, this cycle ushers us to drift and to live our lives unconsciously. We essentially forget an important resource that can immediately change our life just in one day.

We all have the capability to discern, to choose and to decide our next action and it is a gift that was granted to us from the moment that we were born. If we shift our mindset by leveraging time, it gives us the power to instantaneously change the Now.

Practice to shift your mindset everyday, one at a time, to instill good thoughts. Confucius said “It does not matter how slow you go, as long as you don’t stop”.
As you continue to build good thoughts, so as your habits, then everything else will follow.

Always, achieve to have an exciting, quality and abundant life!

HOW TO OVERCOME LONELINESS | THE COUNTER INTUITIVE WAY

It is easy not to feel alone but it takes an effort not to feel lonely.

These are two different things and two different scenarios. Being alone is more of a state so it makes it easier to distract yourself by either texting a friend to come by your house or have dinner with or by logging into your Instagram account and check out the pictures of your family or friends.
In other words, you can be alone but still feel connected.

Being lonely is a feeling of being alone. That is how I would describe it. You can hang out with your friends and family, but still feel lonely and this is where most of us struggle with.

We feel disconnected and we feel a void.

So how do we exactly deal with loneliness and how do you exactly trick your mind to believe that you are not alone even so if you are?

Being able to accept loneliness is something that we can equip ourselves with today and will always come in handy specially in a crisis such as what we are facing now.

I would say that more than half of my personality is an introvert so transition from a 14 day quarantine to work from home then to a lock down did not come so hard. I can stay up in my room the whole day, whole week or I guess on this case now apparently even a month but once in a while I just need to refill my energy by going out and about.

I do not consider myself at all 100% introvert but neither I do not consider myself as an ambivert.

I live miles away from my family. I live alone and it has made me feel several times inevitably lonely and sometimes existentially questioning life.

Here are the things that works for me whenever I feel the void.

  1. Look outside
Stadium

There is a hackneyed expression where we should always look inside first to be able to understand a situation and that is looking into yourself before all things so you can understand better. I say to this, sometimes because we were instructed to always look within, we forget to come out and see what is outside. Because we always talk about the ‘self’, we forget the importance of balance.

Externally we need to see things on a different perspective and when we do, this is where looking back in retrospect plays an important role.

Have you had this feeling when you suddenly understand as to why you had a problem? you realize it made you better and was able to help you grow resilience? That is what looking outside means. Being able to see things in a different light. Do not think of loneliness as something negative as we were made to believe that it is. “Those that hurt, instructs” as what Benjamin Franklin said and where there is pain there is growth. As banal it may seem, everthing is happening for a reason and understanding why the external forces needed to occur connects everything together. It helps to answer questions we had internally and as a result creates an assurance to ourselves that we are in the right track in life, serving as a compass that we are on the right direction.

  1. Be lonely to be ready to be lonely

There is science behind this. It is the same behavior when we chase someone we like, we text, call, we pursue and get nothing, reciprocated but the moment we stop texting and calling, they come back. The moment we cut the chase and pursuit, surprisingly things take a turn. This seems counter-intuitive that is why space is very important in our social lives.
If we apply this counter-intuitive concept to overcome the feeling of loneliness, instead of avoiding it and running away from the idea of being lonely, we give the energy to the universe of being ready for immersion.

We are adaptable creatures.

Notice how many days and quick it will take you to be used to this. Download a new app now and in a matter of three days you are savvy in navigating the functions. It is practice that is key and anticipating what to expect.

If you practice anticipation because you have visualized the experience of it, your mind is tricked to have already anticipated the feeling of loneliness and thus it gives you a head start before even experiencing it.

3. Learn to trick your brain and master it

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I feel that a lot of us has not yet mastered our selves.

We know what we want, we know what displeases us but most of us does not know how to command our mind to follow instructions from us and with this, we have not yet truly mastered our self.

The book by Ekhart Tolle, The Power of Now discusses that we have two selves, we have the self and we have the mind.

Reason why sometimes we may utter, “I cannot live with myself any longer” “I hate myself, I hate you”. This is as if we unconsciously refer to ourselves as two separate beings.

Most of the time, our mind is more powerful than our ‘self’ that we follow what the mind commands.

You might have heard about people saying ‘guard your thoughts’.
Thoughts can lead to actions to habits to character and since we are creatures of habit, it is easy to build character in a span of days.
So my point is, when you master into commanding your mind to follow instructions from your self, then it is easy to capitalize on that advantage.

How does this help? Ever wonder why you get this instant feeling of happiness when you have achieved something regardless it being an easy task. Example, when you struggle to get out of bed but then you tell your mind, “NO I will get up now and I will do it” and once you were able to do it and have seen that it resulted to something beneficial e.g., you see a tidy bed, you instantly feel a boost of confidence and sometimes you have just ignited a bolt of energy into your senses. No one says no to an easy defeat and regardless it being easy or not, we still overcame something.

The three steps above will only work if you are ready to embrace loneliness and when you do, be ready to be tested by the universe.

Notice how suddenly you get all the invites to dinner the moment you declare that you want to cut on eating so you can lose weight? Notice that you suddenly get a text message from your ex just when you have finally decided to give up chasing? It is the energy that you vibrate that sends off a signal.

So observe, immerse to anticipate then finally practice to master command and take control of your emotions. Always, achieve to have an exciting, quality and abundant life!

Scotland